Recently, I was chatting with my dad about the “chef driven restaurant” phenomenon. Isn’t the whole point of the “chef” that she/he brings the inspiration for food in said restaurant? Has that not always been the fundamental purpose of the chef?
The chef. Drives. The restaurant.
Duh.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s kind of like foraging. That thing that people have done for thousands of years for, you know, SURVIVAL, is now a weekend hipster activity, to be fully documented in artistic angles on Instagram. So a chef driven restaurant is a thing. Ok.
I searched the internet to see what the hive mind had to say about all of it. I mean, I’ve been to a couple of restaurants that I suppose are considered chef driven. I even saw bone marrow on the appetizer menu at one and thanked my lucky stars that being a vegetarian gave me a pass from even having to PRETEND that I wanted to try it. I mean, come on. Why is this something that needs to be eaten? Also, don’t we need to know the specific species said marrow comes from? I feel like we do. Buffalo? Wild Boar? Elk? Cause all that shit’s on the menu, too. Is the marrow kosher? Was the animal fed organic grain or was it grass fed? Did it get fresh air & sunshine? Was it scared before it was slaughtered or did someone softly whisper “thank you” to it while stroking its fur and slitting its throat?
You think I’m joking around here? Because what I’m saying is, if you’re going to eat bone marrow, let’s go all the way with it. Questions need to be asked. And they need to be answered.
I found a blog somebody wrote describing, blah blah, chef driven restaurant concepts, blah, blah. I could feel the boredom oozing from the blog post. But mostly what I found were reviews and lists of various chef driven restaurants. So it turns out that nobody really knows what it is, other than the newest term for a foodie restaurant where it’s going to be really hard to get a table this weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a foodie, too. I gotta have my balsamic vinegar and it’s gotta be the 25-year aged stuff from the specialty store that costs the equivalent of six months salary for an exploited kid in China who is making pairs of jeans I’ll buy in back to school sales next month at Target (I feel bad about both of those things). I use way more fresh herbs than dried and I spend a lot of time making a sandwich. I frequently caramelize onions. But the thing is, when you are a mom and you have had more than one occasion to really need to pinch pennies and even during times when you don’t have to pinch them, you’d still rather save on that meal so you have a fighting chance of going on a vacation sometime in the next decade, you think about things differently.
And so, let me introduce you to the Mom Driven Restaurant. It’ll feel familiar. You’ve been there. But hey, since we are reinventing things daily that already existed….
Mom knows that the family will inhale the white vegetable lasagna just as quickly if the provolone cheese is the shitty grocery store brand. Or even if the provolone is actually crappy Crystal Farms mozzarella and not provolone at all.
Mom knows how to prepare a meal that can go into the trunk of a vehicle on a 15 degree November day and stay hot while being transported to somewhere in rural Minnesota, only to be reheated when a rogue cousin or brother-in-law shows up late, hungover and everyone just HAD to hold the food for them.
Mom might be a vegetarian, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t be seen in the kitchen rolling meatballs or cutting up chicken. These people need to EAT. (mom was later seen purchasing a Luna Bar at the Super America in between house showings… she didn't have time to eat lunch)
Mom knows how to make Chipotle Chocolate Covered Flan de Mango, but she also understands the time and place for that pan of bars with the sweetened condensed milk poured over the top. You know the one. It sits in the 9x11 covered dish on the counter and the family feeds off of it all weekend, like wolves on a deer carcass.
Mom knows about mason jars as glassware. She invented that shit! And long before mason jars started showing up in restaurants as ironic wine glasses. Mom knows that when there’s no budget for replacing the glasses that get constantly broken by children trying to earn a star on their chore chart, a mason jar will do just fine, thank you.
Mom knows about carbs. Hell, she’s probably done some time on Weight Watchers. But the truth is, mashed potatoes and bread are going to help stretch that meal and get everyone away from the kitchen (and mom) a lot faster (mom has been saving her calorie points all day so she can wash down her salad with a full bottle of wine). And sure, mom has made the homemade french cheese braid and everyone seemed to like it, but her research shows that the family slathers butter on and inhales a slice of pretty much any other kind of bread just as quickly as that french cheese braid.
Mom understands food as art. And not this kind of art, which includes four total bites and a trip through a fast food drive through on the way home from the restaurant:
This is the food art that mom is talking about:
The mom driven restaurant comes with free lessons in tables manners and free nutrition classes, held conveniently at the table, while you eat.
Mom is sorry that you got fat. But it’s not going to stop her from overfeeding you each and every time you come home.
Look, your foodie trends will come and go. But when the shit hits the fan, get your ass home and find a table at The Mom Driven Restaurant. It's just plain good for the soul.
