We grow up being told to “smile more”. And so we smile and are told we’re giving the wrong impression. It was our fault that he did that. We shouldn’t have been so friendly. We shouldn’t have gone out alone. We shouldn’t have accepted that ride home from someone we thought was just a friend when it was below zero. Don’t make eye contact. Hold your car keys like a weapon.
And even as you read this, even if you agree with me that it’s wrong, even if you are a woman who desperately wants things to change, you have thought these thoughts. It’s engrained in the fiber of our beings. She was asking for it. Her skirt was too short. Her neckline was too low.
I’m in the Dominican Republic. I have made many jokes about how I spontaneously booked this trip with little planning or research. But, it’s true. I recently turned 50 and I don’t really give much of a fuck about a lot of things anymore. But I truly did not anticipate how difficult this would be. I researched places that had the best chance of sun in February and recalled how successfully I’ve navigated around many Caribbean islands or bumbled through Spanish speaking countries getting directions or trying to get medical care with two years of high school Spanish and no real practice. Even now, I feel I have to justify this to you. So you don’t think… WHY would she go to the Dominican alone?? WHAT was she thinking??
I didn’t do this as a test or to try and prove anything. I just… DID IT.
And yesterday, my first full day here, I decided to venture out. I turned away from the beach, toward whatever ELSE happens in the Dominican. I made it less than two blocks. I was completely overwhelmed by men... trying to sell me something, trying to whisk me into their shops, touching my arm, my hand, my back, my hair and asking me a series of questions in Spanish or English or some odd combination of the two. My self confidence disintegrated and I stumbled back to the relative safety of the beach, where I have experience saying no to hair braiding and parasailing and photos with parrots or monkeys. I got breakfast and chatted with the wait staff I had met the night before and began to understand why people go to all inclusive resorts (I’m staying at a little hotel where I have yet to see any Americans - which is fantastic, DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE). I thought, ok, I’ll just hang at the beach - I have three books with me. This will be FINE. But here they came again. I literally could be looking directly at the ocean and minding my own business and here they came.
Where is your husband?
Where is your wedding ring?
How’s the food here? (I wasn’t eating)
Where is your wedding ring?
How’s the food here? (I wasn’t eating)
What’s this? (two separate men felt it was fine to grab my foot and play with my toe ring)
Why are you alone?
Do you want someone to show you around?
Can I join you?
Nope! I have a boyfriend, actually. I’m not interested. I’m happy sitting here alone.
It didn’t help. It just changed the conversation until it could be brought back around to whatever it was they thought they were going to achieve. Because surely, I didn’t MEAN what I said.
Fucking exhausting.
Last night, I spent the evening in my hotel room, kind of hungry, feeling a little trapped, but without the energy to go out and find food. It just wasn’t worth it.
I’m not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I wish I had some important take away that would make an actual difference. Some nugget I could share to change the world. But I don’t. I just want you to think about it, ok? When you speak to your children, your friends, your spouse, your co-workers, your running buddies, the friends at book club or game night… think about it.
I’m convinced there is a limit to what I’ll see in my lifetime when it comes to gender equity. But I do have hope. I want things to change. For my daughters. For all of the daughters. Everyone deserves more than this.
And for now, armed with my new favorite phrase, déjame en paz, I will head back out. Nobody is going to stop me from enjoying this vacation!
