Addendum to the Lease

In an effort to supplement a career in real estate during pretty much the worst housing market of all time, I have been doing more and more property management.  Property management will not be on the list of “favorite jobs ever”.  

You see, Property Management requires a certain, shall we say, patience.  A certain finesse and “deep breath” taking approach that hot headed individuals are not necessarily suited to.  Oh sure, a hot head comes in handy when somebody needs their ass kicked.  When the time has come for not another moment of shit to be taken, yes, everybody likes to line up behind the person who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is.  But geez, it just gets really, really exhausting having to be so damn politically correct every, single, time...

I have a lot of paperwork I have to use, most of it hopelessly boring, much of it pointless and created by lawyers to justify their existence.  Other paperwork would be much more, oh.... appropriate?  More applicable... 

Addendum to the Lease: Regarding Showings

Kids During Showings

I know that you probably think your kid is cute (how, I have no idea, but I did see you awkwardly smiling from your post on the couch as the 4-year-old answered the front door when I knocked), but when I’m over trying to get someone to rent the place that you’ve trashed, and your kid is following us around, sagging diaper, runny nose and grimy hands, pointing out where he dangerously climbs out the window onto the roof, you aren’t helping the cause.  If you could get off Facebook for a minute and contain the children, I’d be ever so grateful.  Or better yet, how about taking them to the park?  A little fresh air might help clear up that skin condition.

Pets, etc

I know that you would like to punish the ownership for not letting you off the hook with the late fee every single month this year, by NOT cleaning the litter box when I come to show the place.  And really, that was disgusting and annoying and there isn’t a damn thing I can really do about it, is there?  But, I’d like you to know that no, I do not actually think that stain on the carpet is coffee, I know it’s cat pee, and your security deposit just went up in flames.

Oh, and that smell of bleach and lysol isn’t at all covering up the smell of the dog poop that has surely been in the basement for a lot longer than the 48 hours notice I gave you before coming over.  

Timing of Sex

Yes, yes, I realize that it was your BFF’s boyfriend’s sister’s bat mitzvah yesterday, and you were going to head home afterwards, but there was that 2 for 1 special at Bryant Lake Bowl and you were going to stop for just one, but next thing you knew the gorgeous bartender was in your bed this morning and the very last thing you wanted to do was ask him to leave.  

But, here’s the deal.  I told you yesterday I’d be showing the apartment and you knew I was coming today, so why did you have to look so surprised when I walked in on you riding him like a horse?

Pests and Lies

Listen, I know what it looks like when a squirrel scratches a screen and gets in a house.  And I know what it looks like when the leg of your dining room table goes through a screen. And I know the difference between the two.  So let’s just stop pretending, all right?  Also, I know the difference between mouse poop and Chihuahua poop...those little dogs are small, but they ain’t THAT small, so cut the crap (pardon the pun) on that one as well.  Geez.

Random Staring People

Who are all these people in the house and why are they staring at us?  Are we that interesting?  I told you I’d be over today, so did you think it called for a party, where you invited everyone you knew to sit in the living room on a chair and stare and me while I try to point out the good parts of the house and explain that we will thoroughly clean, repair and paint the property while your guests listen to me backpedaling and trying not to insult you even though you’re a total pig and have completely trashed the place? 

Also, I know that at least half these people actually live here and you’re completely over occupying the house, so don’t get all snippy with me when I bring it up later.

Signed, dated and “agreed” upon, even though we all know that if you decide not to comply, we’re going eight rounds in Conciliation Court and thanks for wasting my time on that, when I could have been, should have been and preferred to be, attending my kid’s school conferences:

Signed:______________________________________